Reflecting on 2011

Tonight I'm reflecting back on 2011 with the help of Simple Mom. Hop on over and download the free PDF of 20 questions to get you started. I like to do this every year to make sure I keep some perspective on where my life has been and where I'd like it to go. And as usual, I'll be brutally honest.

1. What was the single best thing that happened to you this year?

Feeling like my relationship with my husband is better than it has ever been. We went through some rough patches and I worried that we wouldn't come out of them together. Things between us are in a great place right now and I couldn't be more thankful.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

On a late-night drive back home from Virginia, we barely missed a couple of tornadoes and squeaked by a third one by less than half a mile. The kids were asleep when we drove into the destruction and we spent 3 hours helping tornado victims that had been tossed around in their vehicles. It was the most terrifying night of my life.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

Finding out that we are going to move to Japan. We didn't think it would be obtained so easily.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

We were blessed with a year that makes it hard for me to answer this question. But, for the sake of answering every one, I'll say that my laparoscopy was pretty unexpected. And considering my husband (who nursed me back to health and took charge of the house) lamented that evening that "my job was harder than his," I think it was quite an obstacle for him.

5. Pick three words to describe 2011.

2011 was, for me, renewing. After struggling with post-partum depression for over a year, I felt like I started finding myself again. What a good feeling. The year was... fluid. We moved to a new place and just found out we'll be moving overseas this summer. We'll just go with the flow. It was also a year of the unknown. So many things in our lives were out of our control this year that we had to give up on trying to make the perfect plans. And wouldn't you know, it all worked out splendidly.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011 (don't ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). 

Challenging. The Hubs knows I have struggled with the whole "mom" gig.
Petty. I think that sometimes, he thinks that the things I occupy myself with at home are dumb and insignificant. Don't get me wrong, he's a great husband. But, I would put money on my guess.
Restorative. Like I said, I've found myself again after going to a horrible dark place. I think my man would agree.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking). 

Stressful. As I mentioned earlier, there were a lot of unknowns in our life this year. Stress, at times, oozed from that man.
Fast. We did a lot of things and moved a lot of places this year. I think that there were times when we both felt like we were just hanging on for the ride.
Forgiving. For all the late-nights studying and demanding rotations that plagued the last 4 years of medical school, The Hubs was able to make up for it with a lot more time at home with family this year. It has been wonderful.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

"Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer. Sometimes, a busy mom just needs a little hit of crack cocaine to make it through a bad day. I could snort a line of Edward every day.
"The Veganist" by Kathy Freston. We went vegan for a month, and this book forever changed my view of food.
"The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. Just a damn good book.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?


Jeanne. Of the THE BEST friends I had during medical school. She was a life-saver when I needed some real life-saving. I couldn't have gotten through those last two years without her.
Stephanie. Despite differences in belief and opinion, she is one person who I can talk more openly with than many other people that I've known for years.
Whitney. A new friend in our new town who has been a god-send. She was my go-to family when I needed any sort of help and my girls have fallen in love with her family.
And oh god, just too many more to name.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

By outward appearance, my hair. After 13 years of shoulder-length curly hair, I chopped it off. Now, my husband's hair borders on being longer than my own. My most personal change, however, has been becoming more honest, at ease, and open about my beliefs - even if it make cause me some heartache at times.

11. In what ways did you grow emotionally?

About 2 months ago, I weaned off of my anti-depressant that I'd been on since May of 2010. I had tried to come off of it two previous times, but each time, it did not go well. I was beginning to feel like I was stuck on the medicine; I was not a good mother without it. But this summer and fall, I started cutting back on my dosage. I was nervous when I decided to stop taking it in November, and though I did have about a month where things were a little tense, I'm ecstatic to say that I've been off of all my medication since.


12. In what ways did you grow spiritually?


We found a great spiritual community here and since our kids are constantly growing, we've realized that we need to take more responsibility for what we want to teach them about religion and spirituality. For me personally, it's meant that while I don't push my own beliefs in others' faces, I also don't hide who I am for fear of being different or facing conflict. I want to teach my children integrity and the best way to do that is to have some integrity myself.


13. In what ways did you grow physically?


I actually found a workout class that I like! I joined a gym after our move and started going to a class called "Piyo." It's a mix of pilates and yoga and I love the instructor and all the ladies in the class. I have noticed more strength and flexibility in my body and those things have been a welcomed improvement.


14. In what ways did you grow in your relationships with others?


I think I learned to listen a little better this year and instead of trying to fix someone's problem the way I would like it to turn out, I tried to offer help and support in the way that was the most meaningful to that person. I think I did better at this, anyway.


15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (professionally, at-home or both)?


There is nothing better than seeing your children becoming the kind of individuals you want and hope for them to be. Hearing Thing 1 say, "Sister! You are making me very angry!" instead of hitting her or hearing Thing 2 say, "Made me sad!" instead of just screaming, makes me so proud because I know they are actually listening and paying attention to what I'm trying to teach them. I have also really loved blogging this year. It's been such a great way to express myself and keep a record of all things good and bad on this journey through motherhood.


16. What was the most challenging part of your work (professionally, at-home or both)?


Long days filled with screaming, whining, and crying. Hardest part of the job. You can only take so much before you feel like you're going to blow a gasket.


17. What was the single biggest time-waster in your life this past year?


Definitely Pinterest and, basically, the internet in general. I love finding all sorts of new crafts, DIY things, and organizing ideas but I end up looking at them more than I actually do them.


18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?


To ignore what I was planning on doing and spending my time goofing-off or playing with my girls instead. Also, getting up an hour earlier than the kids in the morning (though it's been a while since I did this...) REALLY helped my productivity levels.


19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?


That I am my children's lifeguide. Looking at things - especially the difficult situations - with this perspective drastically changes the way I react to things. It has made tough times much easier to get through.


20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.


2011 was the year that I started finding my way out of some of the hardest years of my life as a young mother. It's so nice to feel like I'm getting to know myself again. 

How do I find a rhythm?

One of the hardest parts of being a stay-at-home parent is finding some sort of routine, or rhythm, in your day. Without one, your days seem to run together and personally, I'm not nearly as productive as I'd like to be. My kids also thrive on predictability and the number of meltdowns I have to deal with are kept at a  minimum if there is no question about what is coming up next. Unfortunately, when you have young children, your rhythms don't always stay steady. Different developmental phases often mean tweaks and improvements to your daily routine and it's very easy to get off-track. THAT is where I find myself now. I think Christmas and cold weather are partly to blame, but lately, it seems as though my entire day is spent trying to tackle just one or two things on my to-do list while trying to find something for my kids to do that doesn't involve electronics. So, here I am. Feeling like I'm starting all over with this rhythm thing. Where do I begin?

What HAS to be done?

Going to the gym is pretty important to me (I try to shoot for twice a week). Laundry and dishes have to be done. My kids will need to be bathed twice a week (or maybe just once is a good goal...). And at some point, I'm going to have to clean the bio-hazard that is my bathroom. Some things - no matter how much I don't want to do them - have to be done. I can't just say that they'll get done when I have time because time is really limited. I have to plan for it. I know some women who do certain chores on certain days, a.k.a. "Tuesday is laundry day," but I don't think that will work for me. Anytime I put myself into a box, the box always falls apart.

What would benefit my kids?

When I think about this, it's easy to get anxious and frustrated with feelings of mommy-inadequacy. There is never a short supply of exemplary mothers who home-school, craft, travel, bake, run home-based businesses, and birth 3 kids at a time with ease. It's easy to feel like I'm not doing enough. I need to take time to think about what I want for my kids and how to make that happen. I want my kids to have a simple childhood and develop a love of learning. If I can home-school with a curriculum and materials, that's great. But if all I can manage is a craft every couple of weeks and a rare trip to the library, that's fine too. I need to just really sit back and evaluate what things will be most beneficial to my kids and how to go about making them work. January is going to be my month to try and figure some of this out.

What would benefit me?


Finally, I also want to pay some homage to who I am by thinking about what kinds of things will benefit me. Since my husband and I became parents, we always have a horrible time answering someone's question when they ask what our hobbies are. My husband recently said that he wants to start playing piano again. I got a sewing machine last Christmas that hasn't gotten nearly enough use. I LOVE organizing and finding ways to live on less and live more simply. If I focus all of my attention on my family, I burn out really. I've got to make sure that when I plan our days, I include some "me" time as well.

There is a LOT of inspiration online about creating routines and one of my goals for January is to really make an effort to figure out what kind of routine works best for my family. Most importantly, I want to make sure that I really pay attention to the needs of myself and my family. Just because some super-mom's routine works great for her, that doesn't mean that will work great for us too. It says nothing about me as a mother or my family, but simply reiterates the fact that everyone is different. Let's hope this gives 2012 a good start.

Sharing Christmas with Far-Away Family

This will be the first Christmas that we won't be spending with any of our family. To say that we're disappointed is an understatement. Initially, I was worried that Christmas wouldn't feel quite as special this year but our kids are at an age this year where they're finally understanding the magic of the season. Our own Christmas morning will be fantastic, but we also want our family to feel included if at all possible. Here is how we are trying to bring our family to us.

We bought an HDMI cable so that our TV can be turned into a giant webcam. 

We Skype on our computers all the time, but our kids constantly compete for the camera (they love to watch themselves on the screen) and our youngest likes to push buttons on the laptop. On Christmas morning, I don't want to worry about the kids each getting a turn or my laptop taking a beating. With an HDMI cable, we can tuck my laptop away somewhere while we run Skype on the big screen of the TV and a separate webcam can be put anywhere for the best angle (and to be kept away from little hands).

We are taking full advantage of Skype capabilities. 

Skype is amazing. All of our family uses it and we've got 4 different family members that are wanting to Skype at some point on Christmas morning. We have considered setting up more than one computer so that several family members can have views all over the living room and can Skype at the same time. But there are also other options. I checked into Skype Premium yesterday and while I don't think we're ready to pay a monthly subscription, Skype does offer a single-day pass for $4.99. This would give us the option of Skyping with more than one family member on the same computer, at the same time. We could view more than one Skype call on our TV without having to set up multiple computers. Our living room is going to be a mess on Christmas morning and the thought of having random computers set up throughout the room doesn't make me feel very cheery.

I'm going to make an effort to get pictures and video to family as soon as I can that day. 

As a child, I remember waking up on Christmas morning and waiting in my room until everything was ready for my sisters and I to run into the living room and see all the presents from Santa. I would hear my dad fumbling around with the video camera, my mom turning on the Christmas music and both of them excitedly trying to hurry back to us. Now, it's my turn. I'm going to get the video camera set up at the perfect angle to capture the girls' faces when they see their gifts from Santa - even if grandparents are watching from the TV too. It may be a little inconvenient to try and take pictures throughout the morning, but I want our family to feel involved in our little girls' lives. If that means I'm blinding my children with the flash and making a giant "to-do" list with all the emails I need to send and blog posts to write, then so be it. Our family means to the world to us, even if we are worlds apart.

I hope that you all have a great Christmas and enjoying the sharing the holiday with your family, whether in person or through a screen. Merry Christmas!!

What do you see?

Photo taken by Brian Clark / Courtesy of The Virginian-Pilot

When the USS Oak Hill came back into port here in Virginia, the coveted "first-kiss" that is raffled off to sailors and families was between two female sailors. It was the first kiss of its kind since the abolition of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." As you can guess, the event is causing quite a stir.

What do you see when you look at the above picture? A lot of people see an "abomination." They see two women being sexual. They see a degradation of American values and morals. I, however, don't see any of that.

I see two people who love and care about each other the same way that I love and care about my own partner.  


I've read a lot of comments about this picture, this issue... and many of them are so hateful that it makes me ill. And it makes me feel even more determined to raise my children to value the happiness of others.

So many people get hung up on genitalia (no pun intended!). My love for my husband is built on a lot more than our ability to have sex. I love WHO HE IS. I love his soul, his character, his personality. The icing on the cake is that I find him physically attractive too. Whether or not someone is born gay is beside the point. It's where their life is at this moment and they deserve to be as happy as I am. Religious doctrine, moral opinion and personal convictions should not have any affect on your compassion, respect and goodwill towards others.

My children are growing up with parents who teach them that they can love whoever they want. Whether my girls want to marry a man, marry a woman, marry a man with more than one wife, or not marry at all, the only thing I will advocate is that they do what they feel is right for them and whatever brings them happiness. And most importantly, I am teaching them that when people make choices that are different than their own, that doesn't change one iota of their responsibility to show compassion, respect and love for others.

"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." - the Dalai Lama

I can't have it all.

I am so grateful to all the women before me who fought to be seen as equals to men. Growing up, it never occurred to me that I wouldn't go to college and have a career. I also knew I wanted to have children, and wanting both of those things in my life never seemed to conflict. When I got pregnant a month before starting my Ph.D. program, the thought of leaving the program was ridiculous to me. There was no question that I would just put my baby in daycare and finish my program. After all, I told myself, my kid would be so young when I finished school that he or she probably wouldn't even remember momma working all those long hours. My life's plan was to get my Ph.D. and become Dr. Kimberly, working in my own practice as a Clinical Psychologist.

Thank god I got pregnant with my first child. When I started feeling those flutters in my womb, I knew I couldn't put my baby in daycare and keep working the hours that I was. I didn't even like my program. Having a baby gave me an excuse to get off of the Ph.D. train - a train I'd been on so long that I'm sure I wouldn't have jumped off all on my own. The masters program I completed was a much better fit for myself and my family and even after having a second child, I still believed I'd be using that Master's degree (at least part-time) while also being a great mother to my children.

After being a mother for almost 4 years now, I have a confession to make. I can't have it all. Yes, I can have a career. Yes, I can be a mother. But for me, I can't have both at the same time. Sure, I could go out and get a job, put my kids in daycare or preschool and probably keep our house running decently. I could do it just like I know many other women do. But I like to feel like I'm doing my job really well and when I try to take on two jobs, one of them suffers a bit. I'm just not a great working mom.

I'm probably not a great stay-at-home-mom either. I complain a lot about how hard the job is (was doing that last actually, and probably scared a woman out of wanting children) and no lie, there are days when I can't wait to get back out to the working world of adulthood. But even on the worst of days, there is something so special about my children that I also dread the day that they will be in school more hours than they are with me at home. A little self-sacrifice is nothing compared to my child walking up and saying, "Ya know what mom? I love you."

I will get a job at some point. It's not in my nature to stay at home permanently. Thing 1 just asked me (seriously, she JUST sat down beside me), "Mom, where is your school?" and I told her, "I don't go to school anymore." She looked up at me and said, "Awww mom, that's sad!" "It's ok," I told her, "I went to school for a long time and learned lots of things, but I stopped going to school because I wanted to take care of you and your sister." My little girl just smiled and said, "Thanks, mom."

I, personally, can't have it all at the same time. Maybe if I could balance it a little better, a career and kids would be perfectly in sync. But since one of them is going to suffer, I'd much rather it be my career. Another year and Thing 1 will be starting kindergarten and Thing 2 will be in preschool. My career will always be waiting for me. My kids won't. I guess I'm taking one for the feminist team.... But really, I think I'm doing exactly what feminists worked for. I'm making my own decisions based on what I want to do with my life. Having options doesn't mean that you have to choose everything at once. Having options means that we can choose what works best at any given time. And at this time in my life, what works best is working here, in my home, with my beautiful children.

Even if they drive me a little crazy sometimes. :)

We are moving to....

YOKOSUKA, JAPAN!

We will be moving this summer and will be stationed there for around 3 years. We are beyond excited! And a little sad, too, for all the family and friends we'll be leaving behind. We did have some options in the states too, but we just couldn't pass up the opportunity - for ourselves and our children - to live abroad for a few years. We will definitely be settling back down in Tennessee when our Navy commitment is done, so we are excited to spend just a few years in a new and exciting place where we can expose our kids to so many things that they may never see again. It's going to be quite an adventure and I'm going to blog about it the whole way.