Resources for not-so-religiously-inclined families

Belonging to a religion enhances one's life in many different ways. If you were raised in a particular religion and are continuing that religious legacy with your own children, I think it's easy to take for granted the resources you have as a parent. You have an instant community of people who hold beliefs similar to your own, people who are raising their children in the same way. You have some sort of answer for many of your child's questions about life and death. You have a well-laid outline for teaching morality and ethics. And, you have an endless supply of religious texts, toys, and other goods that you can use to fill your home and to immerse your children in as they grow.

But what about non-religious families? Or families that might not be "non-religious," but haven't found a religious community that fits their needs? Raising your children outside of a religious community can sometimes feel like you are raising your children without the same manual that other parents have at their fingertips. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that religious parents have it easy and don't face challenges in parenting. I AM saying, however, that it sure makes things easier when you have a blueprint with which to build your family upon.

As we get ready to go to church on this Sunday morning, I'm very thankful that we've been able to find a community of like-minded individuals and families. We have somewhere to take our children, once a week, where principles and ideas that we believe in are taught in an age-appropriate manner. We have help raising our children. We're not on our own.

But all of that might change later this year when we move to Japan. We attend a Unitarian Universalist congregation and while all-English denominations might be scarce in Japan, UU congregations are even more rare. So I guess that's why I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately - the availability of support and resources for parents who don't fall in the majority.

I want to pass along some of the books, websites, ideas and dare I say, curriculums, that I might be using along the way. I'm still in the very early stages of looking for resources for myself and my children if, in fact, I am on a little island in the religious world when we move to Japan, but here are a couple of the most helpful things I've found thus far...

The Unitarian Universalist Association's Tapestry of Faith Program for Children found here. 


These are the same programs that are taught in UU churches, but many parents, religious and non-religious alike, will find that they can implement this curriculum at home despite varying belief systems. Of course, with my children being so young, I'm only looking at options for the K-1 grades, but curriculums for all grades are listed online with ALL of the materials. You can also find accompanying books online in their bookstore and on Amazon.com. These programs introduce concepts of family, home, ethics, spirit, social service, and many humanist principles. I think both religious and non-religious families alike can find these curriculums a great resource in their parenting.

Our Whole Lives Lifespan Sexuality Education Curricula found here.

Since I'm already helping teach the OWL program at our church, I think I'm going to start teaching the K-1 OWL curriculum to Ila this fall. The actual curriculum isn't available online, but it is available for purchase. At Ila's age, the main focus of the program is simply to teach her about her body and how to be safe and healthy. It also helps parents teach their children about birth, babies, bodies and families. From the website: 

"Grounded in a holistic view of sexuality, Our Whole Lives not only provides facts about anatomy and human development, but also helps participants clarify their values, build interpersonal skills, and understand the spiritual, emotional and social aspects of sexuality."

We're all just doing the best we can, with what we've got. And I'm constantly trying to add to my toolbox.

Please share your own resources if you've found something that works well for your own family!

To blog? Or not to blog? THAT is the question.

I blog for a lot of reasons. I do it selfishly, because I just like writing and having other people read it. I do it so that maybe something I'm going through or experiencing can help someone else going through the same thing. I do it to keep old friends and far-away family in-the-loop. But the real reason I blog, when it comes down to it, is for the hope that one day, my kids will read back over all these posts and see me as a person, not just their mom. Life can be tough. And I want them to see the good - and bad - times in my life and how we made it through them.

There is one particular part of my life that feels more challenging than others, and though I'd normally run to the blog and let it all out, I feel like I'm unable to really talk about it in the blog world. It would be so much simpler if I kept a handwritten journal. No one would read it until I'm dead. I could write whatever I wanted with no fear of upsetting anyone or "causing trouble." Even though blogging is much more time-efficient than writing in a journal (I don't know about you, but typing is much faster for me), blogging is out there for the whole world to see - especially if all of your friends and family know the blog address.

*sigh*

So, what is a blogger to do?

My Rhythm is Getting Better

Sadly, my dancing is not.

I'm talking about my daily rhythm - the flow of our household. The holiday season got us out of whack and I was spending my days feeling like I just raced from one thing to another, without any real "plan" for the day. Slowly but surely, I'm managing to get a routine put back in place and though I still don't have it perfected, I'm not sure I want to be shooting for perfection anyway.

Tools of the Trade


There are a few things that I've started using to help me plan my days, weeks and months. I'm a list person and I LOVE having things organized. Some people are just naturally good at remembering things, but I'm not one of them. I won't lie when I say that I actually did research about various ways to plan a routine and schedule AND keep track of it. If you occasionally feel dumb because you're spending some time during the day googling "cleaning schedule," or "preschool routine," just remember to tell yourself that people spend lots of money to go to college and get an education for a specific career they're interested. Many moms are thrust right into the career of homemaker, educator, and freaking LIFEGUIDE with no preparation whatsoever. Mommy blogs and Pinterest are to me, what my husband's "General Sugery" book is to him - a study guide. SERIOUSLY.

So anyway... here is what I've been using:

• A paper-version weekly/monthly calendar, as well as Google Calendars. Having a calendar accessible from anywhere online, as well as the ability to email it to my husband, is just invaluable. But, I also like to keep a paper version that I treat like a "daily docket." I'm able to look at my other lists, calendars and references and plan out my day in each daily-space provided.
• My home management notebook (HMN). My husband thought I was crazy when I started making one of these a while back. I revisited it when I was trying to better my routine and now it houses several things:
• My gym schedule
• My husband's current work schedule
• My daily and monthly cleaning lists
• My master to-do list (things that I'd like to do at some point, but don't HAVE to be done right now)
• My menu plan (I currently use a menu-planning service called E-Mealz). 

How I USE those tools


One of the most helpful things I've started doing is waking up BEFORE the kids. If you know me, you know that my kids wake up at the butt-crack of dawn, so waking up before them is no easy task. It has actually helped that my husband's schedule has him getting up at 4:00am every morning, meaning that we both go to bed at a decent time every night (usually by 9:00pm) and I'm not waking up early on my own. I have been rolling out of bed around 4:30am and my kids - if I'm lucky - sleep until 6:30. My 3-year old has always been an early-riser and this morning, was up at 5:30 (ay yi yi). Even if I just fart around and watch The Bachelor during those early morning hours, I still have the chance to have breakfast in peace and plan my day.

I grab my planner, then open my HMN, checking that day's schedule and cleaning tasks. I write anything for the day in my planner. Then, I glance at my dinner menu and write down any prep I might need to do (take "x" out of the freezer... I WILL forget if I don't make a note of it). I then write down anything on my "to-do" list that needs to be done that day.

It can be very easy to keep thinking of things that need to go on that "to-do" list, but I read a great post from Tsh on Simple Mom in which she suggested including your "most-important-tasks," and not every single little thing you'd like to do. Looking at a long list with only a couple of things crossed off at the end of the day can be really discouraging. I try to write down the things that ABSOLUTELY have to be done that day (calling the bank, for instance) and any other little projects I'd like to do go on my master to-do list. Things on that list are things that I can choose to work on when I have a free moment.

The single biggest influence on my day has been writing down what I want to do. It keep everything sorted and keeps me from haphazardly stretching myself thin during the day. I know what absolutely needs to be completed and I know what doesn't necessarily have to be done that day.  And, it's SO NICE to be able to cross things off of that list.

Of course, there are still some things I'd like to do with the kids more regularly. I'd like to transition into more homeschooling (not that I've decided to do exclusive homeschooling, but I definitely think of myself as one of their many teachers) and do more crafts with them. BUT, running a home - just the business of it - takes a lot of time and organization. I feel like I'm getting a good handle on it. And if I can get all the home business out of the way, I'll have more time to do the fun business. 

The PCS Files: Japan!

I posted just a short message that we were moving to Japan when The Hubs called his detailer on December 14th and asked to be stationed overseas. We had received a list of possible openings several weeks in advance, so we had a lot of time to discuss where we might want to go. Options included California, Washington St., Virginia, Florida and Japan, among others. So why did we choose to try and move our family 6,956 miles away from where we are now? It wasn't an easy decision.

The Hubs and I have always loved to travel. I was blessed to travel to Mexico as a teenager, and when I got into college, I was blessed again to be able to travel to Paris. Both The Hubs and I went to Austria just a couple of months before we were married and we then honeymooned in Puerto Rico. The travel bug bit me hard when I went to Europe and since then, I've compiled a long list of places I'd like to visit before I die. If The Hubs and I didn't have children, we wouldn't have thought twice about moving overseas for a few years. We aren't scared of a new culture and different language. We're okay with getting lost and being on our own for a while. And the best thing about traveling to new places is that it opens even more doors for MORE travel. 

But, we DO have children. And, we have the only grandchildren on either side of our families. The thought of taking the only grandchildren so far away from their grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles for three or four years was REALLY tough to think about. Even though we've always lived apart from them, our families are very important to us. I want my children to know their grandparents. I want them to know my brother- and sister-in-law. I want them to know my sisters. I don't want them to just put a name with a face. I want them to what wonderful people they are and how lucky we are to have such a close and supportive family. 

I miss not having some family around to take my kids when the day has been hard and my husband won't be home for hours. I miss not popping in to my mom's house to say hello. I miss Sunday afternoon dinners with all the family. I miss the opportunities to do things together, whether it's going on a motorcycle ride or helping with some home improvement. And I really, really miss the hugs. Kids are only little once and I hate that my family will miss out on a lot of the everyday moments. I feel guilty about the fact that my kids will probably be 6 and 8 years old before we move anywhere close to family again. So, why, WHY, did we ask to go to Japan?

I want my kids to see this: Mt. Fuji.

I want my kids to not only learn a new language early in life, but be totally immersed in it.

I want my kids to learn what it's like to be in the minority. 

I want my kids to learn about about a culture that is very different than their own. 

I want my kids to try new foods.

I want my kids to learn about different religions, up close and personal.

I want my kids to become more confident in who they are by being in situations where they might look different or be different than the other kids.  

I want my kids to learn that it's okay to change things up and do things that might be a little scary at first.

I want my kids to travel the world. 

And, of course, I want to do all of that too! Thankfully, we live in the age of Skype and instant communication. Time will go by quickly, I'm sure, and we'll be settled back in TN before we know. Until then, I'm going to take advantage of this amazing opportunity for myself and my girls. Afterall, you only live once.

What if I want to be a... (gulp)... HOMEMAKER?

You don't have to read through every post of my blog to know that I often struggle with feelings of contentment for where life has brought me thus far. Afterall, I was set to complete a Ph.D. program when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. I went from dreams about having those three special letters behind my name to wiping butts and being so exhausted that I barely dream at all. When I was younger, I never once thought about being a... (barf) "homemaker." In my judgmental, close-minded view, a homemaker was a woman who was less than her husband, was submissive to the will of her husband, was uneducated, had no personal interests, made no major contribution to the world, and put everyone else's lives above her own. Harsh, isn't it? Yes, I deserve to be bitch-slapped by a lot of said "homemakers." But OH, was I wrong.

Thanks to my own life experiences, I've come to realize that sometimes feminist ideals get a bit... skewed. I strongly believe in the equality of men and women. I believe that women should get paid just as much as men do when working the same job. I believe women should have the right to make their own decisions about every. single. thing. in their lives. Strangely, though, when some women make the decision to be a wife and mother, it's as though they have chosen to stomp on all those things that the women's rights movement worked to give them. 

Nowadays, most women are raised to believe that unless they go to college, choose a career, and bring in a comparable salary to that of their male counterpart, they are wasting their potential. What's even worse, if they DID go to college and have a career, and then give it up to stay at home with their children, they are wasting all the time and money that they put into their education to simply do laundry and change diapers. I will never forget the response I received from my professor when I told her I would be leaving the Ph.D. program to take care of my unborn child. "What a complete waste and disappointment to women," her expression told me loud and clear. 

But what if I do want to be a... homemaker? (Ugh. My old assumptions still make it hard for that word to come out of my mouth.) I will be the first to admit that I long for some adult interaction and a greater sense of purpose in the world, but is having a career really the only way to fulfill those needs? What about part-time work or volunteering? And honestly, I simply cannot fathom taking on an outside career and still having all of the household duties waiting for me when I get home. I'd rather do all of it myself than putting distance between my home and me by hiring others to do it instead. I don't want to lose touch with my children, or the art of cooking that I've become surprisingly fond of, or the rare ability to do whatever I feel called to because I'm not forced to do only what needs to be done between my job and maintenance of my home.  

What keeps me from cultivating a sense of pride in being a homemaker or housewife is that nagging little voice in my head that says my education was a waste if I'm not out there using it. The little voice tells me that I won't be important or that my husband won't feel proud of me the way I feel pride for his accomplishments as a doctor. I don't want to feel as though I'm nothing but a woman doing chores. I don't really think that my criticism for homemaking is innate because all of my concerns and fears about it stem from what others will think of me. It's an interesting cultural idea that has come about in the wake of women's rights: Women can choose to do anything, but choosing to be a housewife is the wrong choice.

How can we reclaim the dignity, honor, and respect that should be afforded such an important role? Afterall, nothing could be accomplished without a home to reside in, food to eat, and babies born to change the world for the next generation. If we - homemakers of all walks of life and genders - don't do it, who will? 

Finding a Rhythm: What will benefit me?

Since I've become a mother, my daily life has become filled with the responsibility of taking care of those around me. It's very easy to neglect yourself when you are a wife and mother. And if you fail to make time for your own needs and interests, you will get run down very quickly.

So when thinking about the routines I'd like to create around our home, I need to make sure that I also think about including things that will benefit my own health and spirit.

• Waking early. To be able to do this without it making me even more tired, this also means that I need to go to bed at a decent time every night. Waking early gives me a little bit of time to think about my day and eat my breakfast in peace before the little munchkins wake up and demand my time. 
• Going to the gym. I have never been a huge fan of exercise, but every time I workout, I always feel so wonderful afterwards. And, the girls LOVE the childcare at the gym.
• Down time. Whether it's sitting my butt on the couch during naptime or hiding in my room to read a book while the girls play, I want to make sure I give myself time every day to do whatever I'd like.

Wow. Not too much to add here. Sure, I have a lot of things I'd like to work on doing better this year - drinking more water, exercising more, wasting less time on Pinterest and Facebook - but those aren't necessarily things that I want to include in my routine. Adding those sorts of things to an everyday "to-do" list only make me feel more unproductive when everything fails to get crossed off the list each day. I TRY to do the things for myself listed above, but they are never worked into a particular routine. Thus, I'm not very good at doing them.

Now that I've tried to figure out what kinds of things I want incorporated into a routine, I've got to find the best way to actually put a routine in place. There are lots of ideas from other mamas all over the internet, but what works for one mom, may not work so well for me. I may try one or two suggestions before finding what is the best fit for myself and my kids, but hopefully, it won't take too long to get something put together. 

Finding a Rhythm: What will benefit my kids?

Part two of my attempt to set up a routine for myself and my kids involves thinking about what kinds of things I want to include in our schedule that would benefit my kids. This is the category that I have a lot of trouble with. Have you picked up a parenting magazine lately? Checked out any parenting blogs? And, dear god, have you waded through the "kids" section of Pinterest? I need to do more crafting. I need to homeschool. I need to pick the perfect homeschool curriculum. I need to make the house more kid-friendly. I need to make an art-station for my kids. I need to fix healthier lunches. I need to fix lunches that look like small, cute animals. I need to print off preschool worksheets. I need to teach my kids another language. I need to schedule regular playdates so my kids won't be socially inept. I need to go the library once a week. I need to play with my kids every time they ask! I need to read to them at least 10 times a day! I need to do circle time every morning! I need to get rid of our tv so the kids' brains won't turn to mush!! I need to BE THE BEST MOM EVER!!!!!!!!

Whoah. Got a little out of control there.

As you can see, it's easy to try and do too much. So I'm going to try and simplify things as much as possible. My kids don't benefit from their mom being stressed out. They don't benefit from over-scheduling and over-stimulation. They DO benefit, however, from my making an effort to expose them to new things and keep their little hearts and minds growing.

So, what are the things I want to try to incorporate into our routines that might benefit my kids?

• More time outdoors. Cold is no longer an excuse to stay inside since we've been having above-normal temperatures. 
• More art time. I'm not talking about finding new crafts for the girls to do all the time. If I can manage a couple of crafty-things a month, that will be great. I'm really just talking about letting them paint, draw, and create more often instead of avoiding it so that I don't have to clean up another mess.
• Playdates and new adventures. My kids aren't in daycare and I'd like to provide them some more opportunities to interact with some other children.
• Less TV/more free play. Some days are better than others, but instead of using the TV as my "go-to" solution for cranky kids, I'd like to just let them work it out and entertain themselves.
• A short educational-thingamabob every day. Whether it's reading a new book, doing some themed-craft or printing off a new coloring page offline, I'd like to do ONE thing every day (even if it's just 10 minutes long) that teaches them something new. 

Now, fitting all this into our days and weeks is going to be the tricky part. And, like I said, it's easy to make a list of things you'd like to do with your kids that is 10,000 items long. But really, my kids don't need me to be super-mom to be smart, kind, compassionate, curious kids. They are going to spend most of the their adult life trying to mark things off of their to-do list, so just for a few more years, I'd like to make their lives as simple as possible. 

Finding a Rhythm: What HAS to be Done

I posted last week about needing to find my rhythm again. Believe it or not, figuring out some sort of daily routine can feel overwhelming sometimes. There can be soooo many things you feel like you need to cram in to the 24 hours each day that already don't seem like enough. And how in the world do I start figuring out what my routine should look like? I've decided I'm going to break it down into three categories: what has to be done, what will benefit my kids, and what will benefit me. Not only will I try to figure out what kinds of things fit into each category, but I'm also going to try and figure out which of those things need to be done daily, weekly and monthly. Hopefully, after all of that, I'll be able to sit down and make my days flow a little bit more smoothly.

So, my focus right now is on what things absolutely, positively need to be done.

Or... maybe... what things should probably get done on days that I'm a semi-productive wife and mother.

Daily Tasks

• Dishes are one of those things that never disappear. 
• Picking up. In our house, we don't deep-clean every day, but we certainly pick up several times throughout the day. It keeps us from having one huge mess to clean every night.
• Showering and getting dressed. 
• Preparing dinner

Holy crap. I totally thought I'd have WAY more things than this that needed to be done around the house. I really feel like I'm forgetting something because I'm sure this can't be it... can it?

Weekly Tasks

• Making a grocery list, coupon list and the corresponding grocery shopping trip
• Giving the girls' baths (they have baths maybe twice a week)
• Checking the status of bills
• Laundry (another thing that never disappears)
• Going to the gym (this is a must for myself and the girls)
• Planning for the next week

Monthly Tasks

• Cleaning the bathrooms (ugh. hate this one)
• Dusting
• Taking recycling
• Sweeping and mopping
• Monthly budget planning

I know that there are probably a lot of other things I could add to these lists and unexpected things always come up that need my attention. But making huge lists of all the things I'd like to do or might need to do just leads me to feel overwhelmed and incompetent when I can never seem to get everything done. The things on the lists above are things that, at the bare minimum, keep my house from becoming a pig sty and keep our family running somewhat smoothly. 

When I'm done figuring out what things need to go into my daily, monthly and weekly routines, the real task will be coming up with a good way to keep track of all of it. Slowly, but surely, I'll get it sorted out.